What Love Looks Like Page 10

  The driver finally slowed his vehicle, and I kissed the cross that discretely hung around my neck, grateful to have survived the treacherous ride. Jay led me through the entrance of Beauty and Essex. Though the door to get in wasn’t noteworthy, the interior was impressive. The lobby was crowded with people our age, give or take a few years, all dressed to the nines. Behind a mahogany desk, hipster girls waited to greet people. The desk was positioned in front of the largest, most glamorous chandelier I’d ever seen. It was pure crystal and nearly touched the floor. It must have weighed half a ton.

  Jay leaned in and whispered to one of the girls, and she flirtatiously signaled with her index finger, leading us into the massive restaurant. We passed one bar on the right, which was adorned with mirrors and more impressive light fixtures. We were led into an enormous space with ceilings that felt a thousand feet high. The center of the ceiling was glass with lush greenery bordering it, perfectly framing the moonlit sky.

  I was used to fine dining establishments because of my career, but Beauty and Essex was mind-boggling. The dining room was lined with banquettes, and round tables dotted the center. The music was loud—very loud—but the tracks were some of my favorites. Music from both retro and contemporary artists bellowed through the speakers. I’d entered a realm of cool that moments earlier I hadn’t known existed.

  We landed at a banquette on the left-hand side, where three guys and one girl were already seated and sipping drinks. Two of the guys stood when we arrived, shook Jay’s hand, and then hugged me as if we were longtime friends.

  “You're right, she is pretty,” said a small but attractive guy wearing a tight button-down flannel shirt with rolled-up sleeves, expensive looking jeans, and a lot of product in his longish hair. “Elle, I’m Johnny.” He shook my hand. “So nice to finally meet you.”

  “Great to meet you too. How do you know Jay?”

  “We went to college together in Pennsylvania and both ended up here. Now we live in the same neighborhood.” Johnny was friendly; he had a midwestern sensibility about him, yet he blended in with the New York scene with no trouble at all.

  “I see you’ve met Johnny already,” Jay said. First, he’d greeted the guy and girl who were seated. “Now meet my boy Alex.”

  I shook hands with Alex, who was still standing. He was also good-looking, though in a less traditional way. His tattooed arms showed beneath a white T-shirt, creating the edgy look that I was so fond of in my early twenties. He was quieter than Johnny but not impolite. Last, I met Mark and Shawn, the two people who were still seated. They were a married couple, and Shawn was Jay’s cousin on his mother’s side. All four of the guys had gone to school together, and had each ended up in New York following graduation. Johnny worked with Jay at EZware, which appeared to employ a plethora of twenty-something’s. Following my discovery of the shoebox, this wasn’t the greatest news. I instantly imagined twenty-two-year-old girls, fresh of out of college and throwing themselves at Jay.

  I found a seat second from the end, next to Shawn, with Jay on my other side. He draped his arm lazily around my shoulder as he sipped the Jack Daniels and Coke that his friends had preordered for him. When the waiter came around, I asked for equal parts Tanqueray and St. Germain elderflower liqueur with a splash of soda. It was a concoction from the cocktail menu at East Coast Prime and was something I indulged in only on special occasions.

  “That looks fun!” Shawn said once my drink arrived.

  We were seated extremely close to one another, considering we’d only just met, but she seemed nice and smelled good, so I was fine with the proximity. She had blonde hair with side-swept bangs and huge boobs. She was adorable—very all-American looking, and definitely someone I’d imagine as part of the Conrad family. Incidentally, Shawn was also exactly the type of girl I would have guessed Jay usually dated.

  “Do you want to try it?” I offered her my glass. She took a small sip, and her face lit up.

  “Yum!” she said. “You have good taste. I like your jacket too.”

  “Thanks, it’s from Zara.”

  “They have Zara in Ohio?” She looked at me, amused.

  “I got it online. I do most of my shopping online now.” Sure, it was small talk, but I was just glad there was another woman there to entertain me while Jay caught up with his friends.

  “You would love living here if you’re a shopping junkie,”

  “Tell me about it—I love it already. A far cry from Columbus.”

  “I feel for you. I’m from an even smaller town than that in Pennsylvania. The same place Jay’s from,” she said.

  “That’s really sweet that you both have each other here.” It was odd that he hadn’t mentioned her before. “Do you see him often?”

  “Once a month or so. He goes out—a lot. And I'm more of a homebody.”

  “I’m the same way.”

  “Ha!” she said, laughing, “then you’re with the wrong guy.”

  Ouch—that stung. It didn’t seem like she meant any harm by it, but it hurt anyway. The music was blaring, and I prayed that it was drowning out what Shawn and I were chatting about so Jay couldn't hear.

  “Oh, I’m so sorry—was that harsh? It just came out. I really didn’t mean it that way,” Shawn said apologetically. She must have seen the devastation on my face.

  “That’s okay,” I said, feeling defeated.

  “Truth be told, I wish he’d find someone like you. And his parents do too. You seem nice, you’re pretty, and you’re wearing more than one square foot of fabric as clothing.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Ugh. There goes my big mouth again.” She looked amused. “Well, speaking girl to girl, Jay has a tendency to date—abundantly. And his preference tends to be really slutty girls, and lots of them. Sometimes multiple girls at once, even.” I felt sick to my stomach. “I feel you should know that now. He’s broken a lot of hearts.”

  Of course he’s broken a lot of hearts, I thought. I knew that from the moment I first saw him. With a face like that, how could he help it? And was it really taking advantage of a girl if she willingly slept with him?

  “Well, he texts me every day and calls me consistently. He’s been very dependable, actually,” I said defensively. And I wanted to add that we’d already slept together and he still wanted more of me. But considering she was family, I refrained from sharing that information.

  “Well, hey, that’s a big step for him. He did seem really excited to bring you here, so maybe things will finally be different. I’d love to have another normal, intelligent woman at a table for once. Usually, the whores he brings around don’t show up until later in the night. You wouldn’t believe the morons he subjects my husband and me to. If we weren’t family, I don’t think I’d put up with it,” she said, laughing.

  While I appreciated Shawn’s candor, it was too much information for our very first meeting. Either she was trying to scare me off or she genuinely believed that I deserved to see Jay’s true colors before I got in too deep. I was puzzled; Jay seemed committed to keeping some sort of a relationship with me going despite the geographical distance between us. Whether or not he was in it just for the sex I wouldn’t know until I got back to Columbus.

  My conversation with Shawn took a lighter turn once the guys got involved. I knew within minutes of meeting them that they were all cool kids once upon a time. They were the people I once would have killed to sit with at a lunch table. And the difficult part to swallow was that now I was one of them. I was in New York City, dressed like them, drinking frilly cocktails like they were, and seated at the cool table with them. They had no idea who I was in my past life, and I needed it to stay that way.

  The music was earsplitting to the point of disrupting conversation, but it made for an energetic atmosphere. The song choices were so on point, and the mood in Beauty and Essex was everything I ever wanted to be a part of. It looked as though my life had finally come full circle.

  The minutes were flying by b
ecause I was having the time of my life. After my third cocktail and a few bites of Carpaccio, I felt high on life. And to top it off, Jay’s arm, which he'd put around me the moment we arrived, stayed there all night. He even leaned over several times and kissed my ear, which instantly sent chills down my spine and caused goose bumps to form all over my body, among other carnal responses. His touch was more addictive than any drug I’d ever dabbled with.

  “So how are you liking New York, Elle?” Johnny asked from across the table.

  “I love it. It’s so alive.”

  “I know what you mean. I’m from Altoona, Pennsylvania, which is even smaller than Columbus.” He slowly sipped his Stella Artois. “You should move to New York.” He smirked and he winked at Jay, who didn’t react.

  I tried to gauge Jay's mood following Johnny’s suggestion, but I couldn’t get a read on him. I willed him to agree with his friend, to allow that I could relocate if things worked out between us. It would have been a hasty proposition, of course. We barely knew one another, but the chemistry was certainly strong enough to warrant discussions of the future, in jest at least. And from New York I’d have a much easier time keeping an eye on him.

  “Dude, lay off.” Jay said, which wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear.

  After dinner, we ventured to the upper level lounge for more drinks. It was another staggering space. A soft glow from hundreds of candles was the only thing illuminating the upstairs area. From what I could see, the décor had a sophisticated rock-and-roll theme that fit with the songs that were playing downstairs. The combination of captivating ambiance, terrific music, and more Tanqueray and elderflower cocktails led Jay and me to make out as though we were the only two people in the bar.

  My fifth drink obliterated me, and after finishing it I was ready to leave. Jay seemed ready too, judging by the way he was trying to undress me. When he whispered, “Do you want to get out of here?” into my ear, I leaped up immediately, hugged and kissed his friends goodbye, and said that I hoped to see them again.

  Shawn murmured in my ear, “I really hope so too.” It was tough to tell if she was friend or foe, but I was leaning toward friend and really did hope I’d have the opportunity to see them all another time.

  For the first few minutes of the cab ride back to his place, Jay kissed me until I couldn’t hold my head up any longer. I rested on his shoulder, praying that I wouldn’t vomit. My eyes closed as I briefly reconsidered Shawn’s candid words: I feel that you should know now. He’s broken a lot of hearts. Multiple girls at one time.

  Moments later, Jay paid the driver as I waited patiently on the busy sidewalk. He nodded to a few people who exited his building as we waited for our turn to enter his door on Prince Street. It was nearly 3:00 a.m., and people were just leaving to go out? I found it completely absurd, especially since at the same time back home, even the liveliest watering holes would be an hour past closing time. I knew I’d never be able to maintain such a hard-partying pace in the long term. New York has suburbs too, an annoying voice inside my head said. Fantastic—I was hearing voices, and even they were obsessed with Jay.

  Back in Jay’s apartment, I dropped my dress to the floor of his bedroom and removed my undergarments. I was too drunk to feel self-conscious strutting around naked in front of him. I didn’t bother washing my face, as exhaustion and intoxication outweighed my desire for clean pores.

  “Are you tired?” Jay came up behind my naked body and grabbed me by the rear.

  “Very,” I said, yawning. I couldn’t wait to spend the night with him—the whole night, and the whole next day.

  “Can you stay up for a few more minutes?”

  His shirt was off already. He caressed my stomach and reached down between my bare thighs. He massaged the area gently, while he kissed the back of my neck. It felt so incredible that I found it impossible to deny him anything that he asked for. I was wet with the first touch of his hand, and I undid his belt with my hands behind my back. His pants fell to the floor when I unzipped his jeans, and I reached back to feel his erection poking through his underwear.

  He took his fingers and stuck them inside me from behind. “You’re soaked,” he said. “You’re so wet for me all the time. I love that about you.”

  He bent me over aggressively, reached back around to my front and massaged me with a perfect circular motion. I wouldn’t last long with such a direct and intense stimulation to the most sensitive part of my body. To my surprise he quickly entered me from behind. The pressure of his penis pushing into me and his fingers stimulating me was more sensation that I could deal with. I thought I might explode, but instead I screamed out at what he was doing to me.

  “You like that, don’t you?” he asked.

  “You know I do.”

  He quickly flipped me over, pulling me to the edge of the bed. I was fully exposed and completely at his mercy. He lowered his head, and with his fingers back inside me his mouth simultaneously ravaged me. Before I could tell him to take it slow, I was coming in a way rivaled only by the climax I’d had earlier in the day.

  I was wiped out, but that didn’t stop Jay. He entered me, grabbing my breasts and squeezing them while he pounded up and down on my body. I reached up into his hair, digging my fingers into his scalp and down his shoulders. Then I grabbed his ass to help him thrust.

  “Oh baby, what are you doing to me?” He sounded almost frantic. What did he mean? What was I doing to him? I had no idea.

  “I—just, I just want you to feel good.”

  “You are—too good.” Right before he finished, he whipped his penis out and finished all over my stomach, completely short of breath and with sweat on his brow.

  “Holy shit.” he said, getting off me with out so much as a peck on the cheek. His tone had changed from sexy to serious.

  “Is something wrong?”

  “Not a fucking thing.” He said. He suddenly became quiet and reserved.

  Why was he upset? What had I done wrong? I hadn’t had sex with anyone else in months, apart from my one-night stand, but what we’d just done was pretty damn sublime from my perspective.

  He said nothing more, and despite my exhaustion I wanted to find out what was on his mind. I decided against cross-examination, though; it would only make me look clingy. I felt nervous and confused. I hoped I hadn’t done anything wrong and that the sex was up to par. I prayed that nothing whatsoever would hinder our future. Jay had sex all of the time, and I definitely didn’t. Maybe I was a little rusty, but I always considered sex like riding a bike—you don't forget how to do it. My sleep was intermittent and laced with unpleasant dreams of Jay never calling me again.

  12

  In the morning, I awoke to Jay smoking a cigarette with the window open, much the way I imagined Penny did in her office. The day was sunny, and light streamed in pleasantly, seeming to dissipate the negativity of just eight hours earlier.

  “Smoking again?” I asked.

  “Trying to quit.”

  I didn’t mind the smoking. On him it was sexy; even a little naughty. The image of him shirtless, disheveled, and blowing smoke into the concrete jungle was reminiscent of Jean-Paul Belmondo in a French film I’d once seen called Breathless. In the movie, smoking was a postcoital act engaged in by errant lovers. My dark side wanted to get up and share a drag, but I refrained.

  Remembering that I was completely naked, I hesitated to get out of bed and recalled how I hadn’t been so shy the night before. I reached down for the chemise that had been left beside the bed and quickly slipped it over my head when Jay looked away for a moment.

  “Can I have some water, please?” I asked quietly.

  “Sure.” He squashed his cigarette into the brick windowsill and walked naked to the kitchen to get me a glass of warm tap water.

  “It’s sunny outside,” I sipped my water and peered out the open window. His view was magnificent. The city was bustling and alive, in all its glory even at such an early hour.

  “Yeah it’s nic
e. Like you.”

  Ah, the return of my golden boy. A sigh of relief escaped me. I walked over to him. He was straightening up the bed, keeping his eyes focused on what he was doing.

  “Anything special you want to do today?” he asked.

  “I’m hungry.” I’d barely eaten the night before, and after a night of drinking my appetite was insatiable. My hangover was so violent that a hurricane should have been named in its honor.

  “Get dressed. I know a great spot for brunch,” he said commandingly.

  Quietly, we each got ready for our day. As much as I adored going out with him in the evenings, I was most excited to spend time with him during the day. There was something so much more genuine about getting to know one another in the daylight.

  I slipped on a pair of AG jeans and a casual ivory-colored silk blouse from Theory. Hoping we weren’t walking too far, I wore my black booties again. Our relationship was still too new (and he was still too temperamental and hard to read) for me to wear flats around him. Jay wore slim charcoal Levi’s, which looked spectacular on him, and a white designer T-shirt. I adored his daily uniform, which had a sort of European functional flair to it.

  He held my hand as we walked several blocks to the Cupping Room in SoHo. Apparently, he and his friends dined there often after late nights out. It didn’t look like much from the outside, but inside it reminded me of Jay's apartment with its exposed brick, utilitarian aesthetic, and natural light. The restaurant was more decked out, though; modern art adorned the walls and plants were scattered throughout.

  A man who appeared to be the owner sat us at a cozy corner booth. For the second time, I was pleased with the restaurant Jay selected and hoped that he’d finally start doing some talking and maybe allude to what had upset him the night before. Immediately, we both perused the menu as a waitress brought over two coffee cups and automatically filled them for us.