What Love Looks Like Read online

  “Cream and sugar, please?” I asked. She smiled and quickly went to fill my request. I sipped the ice-cold water that she set down. “Last night was fun.”

  Jay looked up from his menu, his eyes bewitching me as I speculated what could possibly be on his mind. “Which part?” he asked and then winked at me.

  “All of it. Your friends are nice. And I really like your cousin too. And when we got back . . . well, that was great also.”

  He smiled at last and put his menu down on the table and closed it. “Last night was fun. And I know I got weird at the end.” I nodded. “But you,” he said, “are just so . . . different.”

  “Good different?”

  “Very good different. Sex with you is probably, like, the best I’ve ever had.” He made no effort to speak in hushed tones. I blushed, and he continued. “You’re just so fucking sexy.”

  His words sent my heart into a state of bliss and my stomach into a state of butterflies. I felt on top of the world; lusted after and desired for the first time in ages. The guy of my dreams, the edgy, sexy, gorgeous golden boy, was interested in me. He loved having sex. With me!

  “I’m glad you feel that way,” I said. “I like being with you too.”

  “But you don’t understand. There’s something different about the way I feel with you.”

  Jay paused for a moment as the waitress dropped off my cream and sugar. Apparently, he took his coffee black. The waitress took our orders—steak and eggs for him and a veggie omelet for me. She was eyeing Jay as she walked away, but perhaps she was eyeing us both. Was there any chance in the world that I actually looked as if I belonged with him?

  “You were saying?” I asked.

  “I am not the guy you think.” I feared what would come next.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I’ve dated a lot of women. A lot. And slept with a lot. You’d be shocked to know how many—”

  “Okay, okay. That’s enough.” I felt a mounting queasiness; whether it was from my hangover or from his words I wasn’t certain. But I couldn’t bear to hear any more about his conquests. “Jay, this isn’t news to me. Your cousin mentioned something last night. Plus, I’ve seen you.” For the very first time, I noticed a faint blush emerging in his cheeks. “I know how women are toward you. You’re a very good-looking guy, and I’d be shocked if you hadn’t been with a whole horde of girls by now, especially in a city like this.”

  “But Elle, I swear to God, it’s different with you. You’re just so—so natural. And sweet.”

  He’d outted himself as the player that Shawn said he was, and I didn’t know what to think of him anymore. He'd confirmed he was exactly the kind of guy she’d described; I had it straight from the horse’s mouth. I’d found the shoebox of girls' things, but he’d come clean about this in a roundabout way. He didn’t deny who he really was. But were these “you’re different from the rest” lines just the same ones he used with everyone? Was he saying this only because we had to spend the next twenty-four hours together? Or did he really mean there was something more to this than just sexual attraction?

  “Look, Jay. I have no expectations here. We live in different cities. We only see each other occasionally. And I think you’re great too, but whatever you’re trying to tell me, it’s okay. You don’t have to explain,” And I paused because I didn’t really even know what he was trying to say to me. I knew I wanted more, but I couldn’t put that out there without him expressing it first.

  “That’s what I like about you,” he said. “You’re so confident. It’s like you don’t give a shit. You have your own life. Most girls are so needy.”

  If only he knew what an act my so-called confidence was. My charade of being Miss I-Don’t-Need-You and lying about doing things at night just to seem more interesting had worked. But it wasn’t real. The only difference between his other conquests and me was that I was a better actress. All those nights of forcing myself not to call him, of ignoring his texts for an hour before responding, and of pretending I had plenty of amazing things to do when I was home doing nothing—they'd had an impact on him. They’d paid off. There was a lesson in there somewhere; I’d have to remember to jot it down and share it with single girls everywhere, once my head stopped spinning from my thrilling conversation with Jay.

  “I’m in New York, you’re in Columbus,” he said. “It’s not like we’re in two different countries.” It was a rational point. “I need more. It’s hard for me to say this, because I never thought I’d be that guy.”

  “What guy?”

  “The guy who falls for a chick he barely knows who lives hundreds of miles away.”

  “But in the same country,” I said, smirking. I was striving to maintain my composure and not become ridiculously dizzy. It felt as if the skin on my face was bright red. I felt flushed everywhere. I could have stayed in the café for hours, just discussing us with Jay.

  “I’m serious, Elle.” God, I loved when he said my name. It made it all so much more real. “I’m not good at this stuff.

  “What stuff?”

  “Relationship stuff.”

  Relationship. There it was—he'd said it. The word I’d been waiting for. Relationship. I had been clinging to a tiny sliver of hope that the word might just leave his lips. It was so much better than fling or affair or liaison. It meant there would be a next time.

  “Is that what you want, Jay? A relationship?” I looked at him, purposely biting my lip to seduce him.

  “I think I do.” He seemed unable to make eye contact.

  “And the long-distance thing?”

  “We can take turns visiting each other.”

  “And you’re sure you want this? Because given your past, you need to know that a relationship is really different than what you’re used to.”

  “Fuck it, I’m thirty-one. I need to take a break from this crazy party scene. New York is off the hook,” he said.

  Okay, not the most romantic answer in the world, but it was a start. Jay Conrad wanted to give it a go with me. The man across from me, for whom I'd had such deep feelings from the start, had admitted to having the same feelings for me. From the moment he walked into East Coast Prime, I wanted every ounce of him, every cell in his body, every hair on his head. And now he'd confirmed that our connection wasn’t all in my mind.

  Our food was delivered, and we both took infrequent bites as we talked more about the logistics of our future and the way in which we met. It was bliss incarnate. Paradise in New York City.

  “I’ll come back to Columbus next month, and then you can come back here the following month,” he said.

  It all sounded so easy. He was making plans! Albeit the plans were vague, but they were better than nothing. Part of me wanted to let him know that if things ever got really serious that I’d gladly move to New York. I was in love with the city. But I knew that expressing to much too soon was the ultimate blunder when it came to dealing with a guy like him.

  When we woke earlier that morning, Jay was quiet and unreadable. But by lunchtime we were discussing a long-distance relationship. My luck had changed so rapidly that I could barely digest everything that had taken place. I was in the greatest city in the world with a guy who gave me feelings I’d never had before. What were we? Boyfriend and girlfriend? A torrid connection like ours made such titles sound so juvenile.

  Jay held my hand all afternoon as we roamed the streets of New York. The weather was pleasant for a change, and the warmth of his presence made the chill in the wind feel refreshing. We walked the NYU campus and to Union Square, then took the subway to Lincoln Center and then back again. We were completely winging our way through the day, and the spontaneity felt incredible. We alternated cab rides and subway trips, but mostly we went where our feet took us. Occasionally, we’d pop into a store to look at something in the window or into a café for a cappuccino, but mostly we were on the move.

  We were back at Jay’s place by dusk, where we stripped down to nothing but our under thin
gs. We lined up our bodies at the foot of his bed so that we were face-to-face, pressing the entire length of ourselves together. His chilly hands caressed the small of my back as his lips nipped at my neck. I twirled my hands through his gorgeously untamed hair as he suddenly grabbed my rear end with force. His fingers crawled up inside me from behind, his favorite way to get things started.

  He shoved me onto his bed, and I was instantly on all fours as his fingers penetrated me. I was wet, so there was little friction. He caressed me with one hand as he inserted his fingers into me with the other. Even in this way, he was a masterful lover. I reached climax quickly, and he then flipped me over onto my back. He lifted my legs in the air and stroked me again. I was so sensitive that I had to push his hand away. He laughed devilishly and grabbed my ankles, holding them high above his shoulders. My rear end lifted an inch from his bed as he forced himself into me. I couldn’t help but cry, “Oh Jay.” He said nothing, just rammed me until he exploded onto my stomach. There was nothing romantic about it, but it felt damn good, and the expression on his face made any ounce of pain I’d endured worth it.

  He tossed me a towel, walked into his bathroom, and closed the door behind him. After wiping the few drops of bodily fluid that had escaped the condom off my stomach I crawled back under the covers. I closed my eyes for a moment and drifted off into a hazy nap until a faint buzzing noise awoke me at eight o’clock. I saw Jay’s phone vibrating on the nightstand next to him where he slept. I reached over him to swipe it silent, and caused him to wake.

  “What are you doing?” he asked. I’d clearly startled him.

  “Just turning your alarm off.”

  “Oh. I set it so we wouldn’t oversleep.” He said tersely. I gathered from his inflection he didn’t want me touching his phone.

  “I’m going to take a quick shower.” I exited the bed as he turned over onto his side, privately scrolling through his phone.

  I had to wash my hair, which smelled like smoke from all the time spent in Jay’s apartment. I’d have to wear it wavy for the night since I wouldn’t have time to blow it out. I tousled it briefly after my shower and applied dark eye makeup with nude lipstick. I walked out of the bathroom naked and noticed Jay in the kitchen, already fully dressed and looking dapper as ever.

  “I like you naked, your tits are perfect.” He said.

  “I feel a little underdressed for dinner.” I winked at him. He smiled and handed me an espresso, which I sipped as I finished dressing. I slipped on a slightly cropped black top under a black blazer, along with dark flared J Brands, and yet again my black booties.

  “You look great,” he said as we left the apartment.

  “Thanks. Where are we off to?” I asked as we strolled down the stairs and out onto a very lively Mercer Street.

  “A place called Epistrophy.” He didn't elaborate. As usual, a few girls that passed us by ogled him openly. But I didn’t care because he gripped my hand tightly, as if I were the only other person in the world that mattered.

  Epistrophy was a cozy, casual Italian joint that was jam-packed with people. Jay hadn’t made a reservation, so we grabbed two seats at the bar and immediately began drinking as the high of our afternoon slowly faded into the evening. I was ready for my next high, so I sipped vodka gimlets until the pain of having to leave him in twelve short hours became duller.

  Jay and I had no trouble making conversation since we were well rested, decidedly tipsy, and well fed after sharing an antipasto plate. We kept on drinking, not mentioning that we didn’t know when we might see one another again. Then out of the blue came a commotion behind us.

  “Jay Conrad?” a girl's voice said loudly.

  He turned to look and appeared instantly put out. “Hi,” he said. And then he turned his back to her.

  “Who’s your friend?” the girl asked. She was attractive but dressed far too scantily for the weather. Her blonde hair was boldly streaked with even blonder highlights, and her denim skirt was so short that I could practically see what was under it.

  Jay sighed, rolled his eyes, and turned back to her. I kept my mouth shut, waiting for an introduction. “This isn’t a good time,” he said, again turning away from her.

  “I’m Gina.” She spoke to me directly. She was inserting herself into our evening, and everything about her was snide—her tone, expression, and handshake.

  “I’m Elle,” I said quietly, waiting for Jay to take the reins.

  “Elle’s my girlfriend, Gina,” he said. Girlfriend. My stomach did back flips and my heart sang at the very word.

  “Girlfriend?” Gina cocked her head and laughed. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

  “Can you leave us alone?” he asked.

  But Gina was relentless. “So how long have you two been seeing each other?”

  “Um, a couple of months,” I said shyly.

  “Wow, that must be a record for you, huh Jay?” She turned to him. I could smell the liquor on her breath.

  “Thanks for stopping by,” he said.

  “Good luck to you—you’re going to need it,” Gina said to me. I was speechless. She possessed the fury of a woman scorned. She finally removed herself, though as she did, I heard her mutter, “Fucking player,” under her breath.

  Jay looked at me, shrugged his shoulders, and took a sip of his cocktail.

  “That’s it? That’s the only response I get after an encounter like that?” I wasn’t trying to reprimand him; I was genuinely curious as to what had happened between him and Gina, but the left-brained, logical part of me didn’t need an answer.

  “She’s someone I used to know.”

  “You slept with her.”

  “Uh, yeah.” He looked guilty and even a bit nervous.

  I giggled at his palpable discomfort. “It’s okay, Jay.”

  “It is?”

  “Yeah. It’s not like you played it like you were some virginal guy, holding out for the right girl. I get it. You have a past. It’s all-good. This is a fresh start.”

  “God, you’re so normal. Now when can I come visit you in Columbus?”

  I couldn’t help but beam at him as we plotted our next meeting, which would be in April. I made a mental note to plan a dinner with my girlfriends so that he could meet everyone all at once. As exciting as it was, five weeks was a long time to go without his touch, his gaze, and of course sex. But there was always Skype.

  We got through the rest of the night without any more ghosts of Jay’s past. After too many cocktails, we stumbled back to his apartment and fell asleep quickly. I slept soundly, awaking only to stare at him for a few moments in the dark, the streets of SoHo playing as the soundtrack.

  My flight would leave at eleven the next morning. I slept until eight, and I lazily awoke and stared at Jay for a few minutes. He woke shortly after, and I pulled myself close to him, nestling into his armpit. He was chilly to the touch, so I snuggled into him to warm us both. The sound of New Yorkers and vehicles outside gently kept me from returning to sleep, and I silently mourned leaving him in just a few short hours. Finally, I sat up.

  “Stay with me,” Jay muttered, his eyes still closed. “I need to fuck you again before you leave.”

  “I don’t have time. I need to be at the airport in an hour, and I’m not even packed.”

  “I need your body again.” This time he was serious. He was on top of me before I could protest further. He licked between my thighs to lubricate me, as if I needed it, and entered me. It felt so good that I couldn't object. It was the first time he’d been romantic, giving me subtle kisses on the mouth as he fucked me slowly, purposefully.

  Climaxing, he moaned, making his usual sex noises that I’d grown so fond of. “Okay, you’re free, sexy,” he said.

  I scurried off to the shower, now in a hurry, though I did contemplate that missing my flight wouldn’t be so bad. But I reminded myself that the key to making this work probably meant leaving him wanting more. With a guy like Jay, I’d have to calculate my every move. A vo
ice inside me wondered, is this really the right way to begin a relationship? But I silenced it automatically and focused again on packing.

  I told Jay that he didn’t have to ride with me in the taxi, and he didn’t put up a fight, much to my disappointment. Somehow I’d have to train him on the merits of being a gentleman and a good boyfriend. But I imagined that he’d already made some pretty big strides that weekend. He did, however, walk me down to the street corner and hail a taxi. It was easy to get one at the early hour. As the meter ran, I realized it was goodbye for a while.

  “Thank you for everything,” I said.

  “Thanks for coming out.” Clearly he wasn’t great at goodbyes. I leaned in and kissed him tightly. He held me close but released me quickly and opened my taxi door.

  “Have a good week,” I said. And then I felt stupid. What a lame thing to say.

  “I’ll see you next month, okay?” His face was calm, with little emotion. He was so hard to gauge, and his emotions seemed to change every time the wind blew.

  “Yeah, that sounds great.” The lump in my throat was an unwelcome distraction and reminded me to stop lingering and to be on my way.

  The driver wedged my luggage into the trunk of the taxi. I climbed into the car, and Jay closed the door behind me, listlessly placing his open hand on the window that separated us. I placed my palm on his through the glass and smiled. He maintained a straight face, and seconds later the taxi sped away. I tried so hard not to look back, but my willpower failed me. I turned to see Jay one last time, but he was already headed in the opposite direction and had passed the entrance to his building. His stride was so confident and purposeful that I couldn’t help but wonder where he was headed.

  13

  Back in Columbus, as thrilled as I was to see Luna, I was equally as depressed to return to work on Monday. As always, Maureen was a captive audience as I described at length the details of my romantic weekend. But I still couldn’t get my head in the right place to actually conduct business. I had only Jay Conrad on the brain.